I have discovered during my life (48 years so far) that all people are broken when trying to do life on their own and in their own strength. Some of us just hide it better. If we think it is hidden, we are mistaken, people close to us can see it. We may fool our acquaintances, we may even fool ourselves, but the ones who live with us or do life with us are not fooled, even if we think they are. Life was not meant to be lived alone. We have a Creator who is aware of us, and willingly walks with us through life, if we ask Him to. He gets us, He knows our every thought, our every fear, our every action and still loves us. I often shake my head when I try to pretend I’m ok, when I am not, hoping that no one sees. God sees, and I am not fooling Him. I am a fool for even trying. In our brokenness our thought processes are wrong. Often they are filled with shame or pride, and we act out of that. If we act out of shame, we doubt, we hide, often getting into the unhealthy habit of self-loathing. This is where my thoughts often hang out. If we act out in pride, we refuse to acknowledge that we could be wrong, we fight to save ourselves from embarrassment, we make others feel small, we bully, we turn the focus away from ourselves and onto someone else, just to be right. After we act out in pride, most of us go into the thought process of shame, then we get angry and that begins a whole new level of pride and feeling justified for the anger. These thought processes and coping mechanisms are deadly to our souls often killing our hearts, making them bleed with despair. This is the human condition that came with the original sin. Brokenness comes out of this. Whether it is because of someone elses actions towards you or because of our own pride or shame, or a poisonous concoction of the two, or whether it is self-inflicted, it causes the broken hearts and souls that we live with. This is where it gets hard within marriages or families or even friends, everyone is a mess of the pain and emotions of our inner turmoil. All of us are just trying to survive our own pain, most often very self focused. There is only one way out!! God is the only one with power enough to release us from our broken thought processes. We can cope for a while, we may even think that we have saved ourselves, but eventually we realize that we haven’t saved ourselves, we just sucked it up and moved on. This just causes a huge pressure cooker within us, eventually we leak or we explode or some combination of the two. This is where I am. I am leaking badly, I can’t contain the pain anymore. I can’t pretend to be alright, I know without a doubt that I am a mess, that I am broken. I have been here before. God has stepped into my mess before and pulled me out of the despair that has overwhelmed me before. I know that He is good and that He will do it again. Each time He reaches out to me, He puts another piece of me back together. This is a journey, this is Him creating a masterpiece out of me. This is where He turns this broken clay into something beautiful. I know it to be true. I also know that it requires me to do the hard work of trusting Him, the continually offering Him my broken pieces. I know He can do it, I know He wants to and I know that He is the only way out. It is not easy, I cannot coast through this, this trusting thing is hard (you’d think it would get easier, it hasn’t gotten much easier for me). It takes all my strength and energy to resist trying to do this on my own. However when I do the hard work, I find the joy in it, in my Savior. I find that because I am loved, I can open up and love again. I know this to be true, so I am waiting in expectation of His miracles in my life. I am praising God in this storm, knowing that He is good and works out everything for His glory and my good.
And I am lucky enough to go through this with my God who loves me even when I don’t deserve it, even when I have run away from Him or pushed Him away. He always draws me back. Thank you Jesus.