Why does God weep? I am sure that when He looks at His messed up world and His hurting creation He weeps. He sees it all, all the pain, all the destruction, all the hurt, all the violence, everything. He also sees everything that is good, love, caring, friendship, generousity to those in need, those fighting for justice. He sees everything. He weeps over those things that are destroying His creation, and He is happy for the good things that happen. God sees everything and He is walking through life with those who are His. Our world is a damaged place, damaged by our human nature, and our selfish wills. God created all that was good, but He gave us free will, so that when we choose to love Him it is because WE choose to. He doesn’t want robots, He wants genuine relationships. There is another player in this story, it is our enemy, Satan, the one who comes to kill, steal and destroy. The bible says that our enemy is like a roaring prowling lion, just waiting to devour us. If there was no struggle, no bad, we wouldn’t understand good. God is ultimately in control, however, He is not a dictator. He doesn’t leave us to fight by ourselves, He joins us in the battle if we ask for His help. We wouldn’t want to be forced to do anything, or to stop doing something and He knows that so He waits for us to make a choice. His desire is for us to love and follow Him, but He won’t force it. If we chose to sin, He won’t stop us, not because He can’t but because He gave us free will, the ability to choose for ourselves. He hopes that we choose Him and His ways, He knows that that will not always be the case. He waits for us to turn to Him. He stays with us always, He will never leave us or forsake us if we choose Him.
One of the things I know personally that causes God to weep is someone who lives within the pain that comes from believing lies about themselves, locked up and never gaining freedom. God has broken my heart for women who believe that they are unlovable, unworthy, those who live in the shadow of lies spoken by the enemy, an enemy who’s whole goal is destruction. The enemy hates what God loves, he is the embodiment of hate. God loves us unconditionally, and because of that Satan has focused his sights on us as targets of his hatred.
There is no woman who has escaped the enemy’s lies completely unscathed. I have shared my story with many women, many groups of women, and always I hear from these women stories of pain, stories of unworthiness, stories of self loathing. These are painful stories to hear. Most women do not believe that they are beautiful, and I have discovered by talking to these women that even those who would measure up to the worlds standard of beauty think that they are not beautiful, that they don’t measure up in some way. Or if they believe that they are beautiful, they believe that all they have to offer is their beauty. This is so sad, it breaks my heart to see so much hurt and self loathing. Why? Because I have been there. My whole world was viewed through the lies swirling around me. It was a tornado of lies, a tornado of self hatred and ugliness. This was me, this is how I identified myself. My whole identity was wrapped up in the word ugly. I could not see beyond that. I felt like I was damaged, too much wrong with me to love. I was so broken, and so lost. I couldn’t reach out, I didn’t have any strength left to do that. I just sat in this life sucking hole of self loathing.
I know this place well. It was my jail cell, the place where I marked the walls with the tick marks of the days spent there, never seeing a way out. It is a place I see so many women dwelling in. Locked up in a prison of hurt, pain, and believing the lies spoken over them by their enemy. Some women spend multiple life sentences within this prison, and that is what it feels like, never knowing if they will be paroled, hoping that they will be set free for good behaviour, but never believing that it will happen to them. These thoughts are most often secret. For some reason we seem to want to show the world that we have everything together, even when our whole world is falling apart. We have a warped belief system. We listen to the one who hates us and ignore the ONE who loves us, and sees our beauty.
I have been rescued from this dungeon, and at times, I need to be set free again, as I start to believe my enemy again. I know the truth, I know freedom, I know love and the truth that I am loved far more than any created being can love me. This world and the love found within it pales in comparison to the Agape love that God exudes for us. When we get close to our Creator, the hurricane of His love overwhelms us and drowns out the lies, and pours into us His love, His incredible, breathtaking extravagant love. Within this hurricane is where I want to stay, it feels dangerous but wonderful, it feels like one of those scary rollercoasters, the kind that makes your stomach flip, and leaves you shakey. It is the most wonderful thrill ride, this adventure into God’s love.
Because I know that this love hurricane is my true home, that I can live in the eye of the storm, and feel safe, loved and known, I wonder why I don’t stay there. Why do I get restless, why do I leave? I do not fully understand this phenomenom. If I was to make a hypothesis, I would say that I am more at home within the tornado of hate and lies. Weird huh? For so long I listened the lies and let them destroy me, I believed them, and I let it wash over me. I grew comfortable in an uncomfortable place, a place of death and destruction. I made this terrifying place my home.
Some of the thoughts that swirled around in my head was what I percieved was my ugliness, my legs were too big, my nose too flat, I was too short, too fat, to flat a face, that list could go on. I believed that I was unwanted, that I didn’t fit in, that I was boring and shy. I believed that I had nothing that mattered to offer the world. Art was stupid and could not impact the world the way intelligence and beauty could. I thought I was stupid because math was hard for me, but I didn’t put any effort into learning it after I became discouraged. After I became a Christian, I saw absolutely no value in my creativity, just an oh that is nice response. A you should serve in the kid zone or nursery or care ministry or food bank, those are where you could make an impact. Those were important jobs that I could do, creativity was fun, not a real job and it was not really productive. I believed that I had nothing more than creativity to offer the world around me and it didn’t matter. I was stuck there. I never graduated, I got really close 2 credits away, but I gave up. I never went for secondary education because I thought I was stupid, and that it would be too hard for me. I didn’t go because what I would have liked as a career was slowly being shelved in the school system, because it was not as important as the core subjects, it was really only an extra easy credit towards a diploma, a rubber course. I had thought about being an art teacher. That is the only place that I felt I had success, the only thing I was good at, so I didn’t even try, afraid of failure. I believed I was a failure anyway. The me that God made me to be was lost, almost nonexistant. I would get jealous if anyone else sketched better than me, painted better… and I would give up, thinking that what I thought I could do, I couldn’t.
I believed as I grew older, that I was undesirable and so I accepted inappropriate, unwanted behaviour from guys, thinking that was what love looked like. I was enticed into sexual relationships because I was afraid that if I didn’t, guys would get bored of me. I was raped at 17 and after that I didn’t care about keeping myself for marriage, I was damaged goods anyway, right? All this time I thought that to just end my life would be a good thing, life just felt too painful, that I was not needed. I tried a few times, but only half heartedly, again it reinforced my thoughts of my uselessness, a failure in a really sick way. My head was not thinking clearly, my thoughts were totally screwed up and I couldn’t escape them for very long. My beliefs about myself seemed right and sound in this prison of hate. I look back on that time and I see how very messed up I was, how lost I was. I am grateful that I failed in my suicide attempts, life on the otherside of those thoughts has been worth living. My beliefs about myself are still a little messed up, but they are way more true than they used to be.
The truth that I discovered after I was given my new name was the polar opposite of what I had thought about me. I discovered that God thought I was beautiful, that I was captivating. I discovered that I was not stupid, but that I was not made to be an academic person and that was ok. I discovered that I was a creative person, that God built that into me for a reason. I found out that God wanted to use the creative skills that He gave me to impact the world around me. God could use what I thought was not really important, a useless skill. He even gave me a creative ministry. For every lie that I had believed, God showed me the real truth. I discovered God’s love as He drew me in. I discovered that God doesn’t make junk, and that I insulted His creativity if I thought that I was junk, a mistake. The truth I found during this healing of my soul, is that I was loved, I was an original, and that I was a masterpiece. And within this healing, I couldn’t find a way to argue with God. If He thought I was good, than who was I to argue. God who had made the wondrous heavens, thought that I was even better than the stars and galaxies. He came to have a relationship with me His daughter, not the heaven, not the earth, but me, with mankind. I found an unexplainable joy and peace within those truths. He is using my experiences in the past to help others to find their intrinsic value. To see a light at the edge of the walls of the prison they reside in.
God weeps for us when we are in a prison of self hate. He walks with us, hoping that we turn to Him for the truth, His truth. God has burdened my heart so deeply for women living where I did, in deep soul pain. There are many times that I have weeped over the pain that I remember. I see the hurt, I see the hopelessness. I know that this is a God thing, I know it is what God feels, and He has given me the heart to see it. He has shown me His heart, His sorrow over the pain of the ones He loves. It is real, it is very real. If you don’t believe that this is true, I pray that God makes it evident to you, that He breaks through the walls of your prison and allows His light to shine on you, so that you can see the lies for what they really are, lies, intended harm. Today is one of those days that I can feel God weeping, if you are stuck in this vortex of hatred, know that He is weeping for you. He wants to show you who you really are, let Him, it changes you. It is a really good change. Know that I will pray that God reaches His daughters with His truth, and I won’t quit praying for that, and I won’t quit telling my story, God’s story, the piece of His story that I am.
God loves you no matter what your past or present says about you, what you have done or believed. He can forgive anything, except unbelief in Him and His Son Jesus. Believe this truth, that you are loved, hold onto that, it is your life line. I know, I’ve been there. May God bless you with the truth of who you are, and more importantly who He is. If you know who He is, you won’t be able to argue with Him or dismiss the evidence that He has about His love for you. May God bless you, may He make His face shine upon you, chasing your darkness away. He loves you, and that is the real truth, and that makes you loveable, it makes you beloved. Praise God!!