Upward Falling

The words to Hillsong United’s song, Touch The Sky, impacted me today.

“Touch The Sky”

What fortune lies beyond the stars
Those dazzling heights too vast to climb
I got so high to fall so far
But I found heaven as love swept low

My heart beating, my soul breathing
I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground

What treasure waits within Your scars
This gift of freedom gold can’t buy
I bought the world and sold my heart
You traded heaven to have me again

My heart beating, my soul breathing
I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground

Find me here at Your feet again
Everything I am, reaching out, I surrender
Come sweep me up in Your love again
And my soul will dance
On the wings of forever

Find me here at Your feet again
Everything I am, reaching out, I surrender
Come sweep me up in Your love again
And my soul will dance
On the wings of forever

My heart beating, my soul breathing
I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground

My heart beating, my soul breathing
I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground

Find me here at Your feet again
Everything I am, reaching out I surrender
Come sweep me up in Your love again
And my soul will dance
On the wings of forever

Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky
When my knees hit the ground

I love the words upward falling, spirit soaring, I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground. I know in my life, some of my best moments with God are some of the hardest. When I can’t stand because I am weak, when I am aching, when I am desperate for God. God always meets me there. He lifts me up, He turns me around. Instead of falling down, I fall upwards into Him. Upward falling, is falling into the arms of my Maker.

When I am hurting, or desperate for God to show up in a situation, hitting the ground is the best place to be, I can’t fall anymore, not really. There have been many times in my life that I have been begging for God to rescue me from myself, from hard situations that I have put myself in. There have been so many times when I have been desperate for God to reach into my kid’s lives to help them, to change the thoughts that they have about themselves, or to help them make wise life choices. It is so hard to watch my children suffer, especially when I warned them. I watch in agony, I know what they are going through because I made those same mistakes, and hoped that they would not follow in those same steps. Usually in those choices, I can not change anything, I can’t erase the damage that was done, all I can do is hit the floor, and ask God to surround them with His love, His tangible presence, His grace and mercy. This is a hard place for a mother’s heart to live. I have been there many times, for each of my children. I watch, sometimes in a deja vu like state. I feel like I have been there before, and I have. I watch them make life choices that I know put them on a difficult path, not one I would have chosen for them. And yet, I know from experience that God never leaves, that He is the ultimate mountain climber, that there is no treacherous path that He can not go, or that He can not rescue someone from.

When I am praying desperately, God rescues my spirit, His heart beats when mine seems to have stopped, His words breathe life into my soul. My spirit soars as I am in communion with my God. Instead of falling into despair, I fall into hope. I learn to trust as I place my girls into the hands of their Maker. I get the privilege of watching the awesome Abba Father loving my girls, rescuing them, touching their lives and doing far more than I can ever dream for them. My dreams for them are limited. God’s dreams for them are limitless. God uses the good and the bad, the joy and the pain to reach into their souls and make them the beautiful women that they are. When I lose hope, He wakes up my spirit to show me the miracles that He is working in their lives. It is not always easy to let them make hard life choices, or watch when they listen to their enemy’s words for them. It is hard watching them accept less than they deserve from someone else. It is hard to see when they think that they are less than they are. Does God feel like this for me? I think He does.

He wants us to make Him our everything, to follow Him, for He is the One who knows all, who sees all and has created all that there is, ever was, or ever will be. He knows the best paths to walk, and encourages us to walk in them, but He also gave us free will, and so He watches when we make our own paths, when we have to face hard consequences, and live with the choices that we have made. God understands this pain far more than we understand it, He knows how hard it is for us to watch those we love so much hurt. He understands the pain that a parent experiences when we see our kids fall down, but God also knows that He can help them get back up, that these places are where He is, where He is felt most clearly. When our kids fall and hit the ground, with His help they can touch the sky. This is where God has helped me and still helps me to touch the sky. Those times are goosebump worthy, there is nothing like it on this earth. I imagine that this is what Heaven is like all the time. There are no words to describe what this “touching the sky” feels like. You are in a perfect peaceful vortex might be the only way I can describe it.

So I learn to trust God here, in my own weakness, in my own desperation. God has always come through for me, sometimes in unexpected ways, or in ways I would not have chosen, but He always brings us through. Because I have experienced God, and learned to trust Him, I can learn to trust Him with my kids. This has been very hard for me. After Taylor died, I have and still do struggle with trusting God with my children. As they grow up I am learning that I can not control their lives, especially because they are now adults, and so all I can do is fall on my knees and pray. All I can do is fall upwards into my Father’s arms, and touch the heaven’s with my cry. When I am falling upwards, I touch the sky, I touch the heart of God. When my girls succeed in life, when they make good godly decisions I rejoice, In this place, I praise God and again I touch the sky, I run to God in my gratitude. I know that they had help, that God worked through them, even if they don’t see it, I do. I love these times. This is where God shows me that He is trustworthy. Through the bad and the good He teaches me who He is and He IS VERY GOOD all the time!

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